Wisdom discovered in playing my iTunes on shuffle...

The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears

My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds
that rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
from a church on a breeze
To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over
stones on its way
To sing through the night like a lark who is learning to pray

I go to the hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before
My heart will be blessed with the sound of music
And I'll sing once more

Completely Ridiculous....

I am tired of everything.

I am angry and I know why.

I feel like I have wasted my time and that my efforts have been for naught.

I don't know what to do.

I am SO FED UP WITH LIFE!

In fact, I am so fed-up that I have taken my denim quilt and another blanket and I have draped them over the sides of my loft in a sad and pathetic attempt to made a fort to keep the world away from me right now. I am also blasting Pirates of the Caribbean from my computer....

I want this all to go away.


I do not want to deal with it.


Watch out if you try to talk to me.
___________________________

I know I originally posted THIS in jest, but now that's what I feel like doing.

Lockdown

Can you hear the metal clang of my defenses closing back up?

I can't turn off my brain!

No, I haven't talked to Duane yet... This is all what has exploded in my head while I brushed my teeth... This isn't even going up on my Myspace.
____

I don't even know where this anger should be directed... At Duane? At life? At God? Now I want to know why I got my hopes up... Why I let myself get my hopes up.

WHY does it seem like life always screws me over?

And WHY does this always seem to happen to me?

I'm tired of being girly. I'm tired of being "cute." I'm tired or putting on mascara and make-up and perfume. I'm tired of being a hopeless romantic. I'm tired of dangle-y earrings and high-heels. I'm tired of pink. I'm tired of flirting and being giggly. I'm tired of guys saying to me "I would SO chase after you [BUT]"

I'm tired of all of it.

Don't even tell me. I don't care.

I don't want to know.


Nothing has happened in my life to make any of that seem worth it.


Side-note: I noticed he deleted my comment off his Facebook wall. Not because I'm stalking him, but because I noticed it absent from my Facebook mini-feed. The post wasn't anything bad either. Why???




I want to give up. I want to go live in a house with lots and lots of cats and be a librarian.



And I will say this: If there is ever "another guy" who thinks he likes me... He is gonna have to prove it. Hard core. I will have to be won.


Laura, thank-you for the rose. It means more than I can express here. You have impeccable timing. It really truly means a lot.



The chick-flick switch is back off. 300 is starting to sound like a better movie all the time... Maybe that's what we should go see when I visit Bethel over break... It's rated R... It should have enough blood and gore. It's about war after all...



I hate crying...

To class tomorrow, jiggedy jog...

I thought something was up. I have no clue what I was doing then, or what I'm doing now. Or how I should have handled the situation. Way to go me. For a while I was trying to convince myself that I was being too analytical. Heh.


...This is me backing away from the situation.

...This is me being very very glad I don't have PMS right now.

Hello break? Are you here yet? Bleh.

My friend Laura from Drake sent me a beautiful rose today! It makes me very very happy! The card says "For no reason." Yay for whims! The vase is sitting on my desk and I like to pretend that it smells amazing... Because, truthfully, I can't smell anything. (My nose is so plugged up it's spreading to my ears.)

I'm starting to get overwhelmed again... This blasted Influenza!

My life has so many ups and downs right now. I don't like roller coasters. I'd like to stop the ride and get off please? I'm much more suited for..... Um.... The Choo-Choo-Train? My friends can come along when they want to and I can blow the whistle when I want people to get out of my way. Perfect!


______________________
*taps microphone* Hello, [squelch of feedback]... Sorry! *clears throat* Um, hi.... Again... My name is Sarah... And... *sigh* And-----and-I'm-still-in-love-with-a-fictional-character. *pants* And it's still not Mr. Darcy [gasps from the crowd] or Cedric Diggory--even though he is pretty good looking... It hasn't changed to Harry Potter, Oliver Wood, Roger from RENT, Prince Char, Han Solo, King Mendanbar, [crickets] --I don't care if you don't know he is! Anyway... It's not Aragorn, Will Turner, Jack Sparrow, Captain Hook, Cloud, Inuyasha, Dimitri or Superman. Not even the Phantom of the Opera.

Or, as much as it pains me to say this.... Neither is it Doctor Who.

I know.... Gasp and choke in shock all you want.... really... I know it's completely ridiculous, but...

.... I am still very much obsessed and in love with Edward Cullen.

I know I've said I like my men mortal when discussing Legolas versus Will Turner, but for Edward, I'll make an exception.

That is all. *falls off podium*
_____________________________________
Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar
I wonder if she's feeling well
With a dreamy far-off look And her nose stuck in a book
What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle
...
Now it's no wonder that her name means "beauty"
Her looks have got no parallel
But behind that fair facade I'm afraid she's rather odd
Very diff'rent from the rest of us
She's nothing like the rest of us
Yes, diff'rent from the rest of us is Belle
...
Look there she goes a girl
who's strange but special
A most peculiar mad'moiselle
It's a pity and a sin
She doesn't quite fit in
'Cause she really is a funny girl
A beauty but a funny girl
She really is a funny girl
That Belle
_______________________

I'm going to go to sleep where I can play the heroine in the stories I make up in my head. There are a lot of dragons to defeat tonight.

I kinda want to start listening to Sweeney Todd again...

I don't know what to think. Stupid life.
_______________________

Good night my angel time to close you eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Where ever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away
____________________________________

You can't just post THIS and expect me not to think something like "Crap! What did I do?! What's wrong with me?! AHHHH!!!" :-(

Still sick...

I did a little better today. Getting 12 hours of sleep helps a lot. I'm still coughing like none-other. My abs hurt. :-( I think I'm going to wait one more day before I go back to class, my coughing would be kind of disruptive, but I might be actually able to eat in the Mensa. We'll see.

... I haven't been outside since Thursday, and the farthest I've walked is to the shower room on my floor. Kind of sad, no?

So much for intending to practice for my music lessons... I will probably just ask if I can reschedule, since I got sick RIGHT after I had them, so I didn't have any time to practice.

So first we had a thunder storm, and then lots of rain, which alternated with sleet, then freezing rain, then snow pellets, then snow, and more snow. In fact, it is still snowing. Craziness... Welcome to Iowa. Pretty much everything has been canceled in the past two days. Church services, concerts, meetings... It's pretty impressive. Saturday the lights went out even, for about a half hour.

Evidentially the power plant in town is running on generators... The whole campus received an e-mail asking us to turn off and unplug all unnecessary electric appliances, because they are afraid there won't be enough power to support all the business opening up on Monday. I kind of think that was a bad idea... sending out that e-mail... Because I know there are going to be dozens of students who will turn on everything they can because, 1. the email told them NOT to, and 2. because no power means maybe no class. We'll see where this goes.... lol...

Today while I was procrastinating I was looking into a lot of Doctor Who stuff... Because Doctor Who is pretty much awesome!!! :-D I want to go to the Doctor Who convention in Chicago! I think that would be SO MUCH FUN!!!! I want a Sonic Screwdriver! Looking through some of the merchandise I found a cooler that was in the shape of a Tardis! HA! :-D I thought that was super cool, and I wanted to buy it, but it was over a hundred dollars... :-( And I still need a memory card for my digital camera. David Tennant is a very very handsome man. :-) *sigh*

Oh!!! And Rachel V. and I are going to make a Dalek this May Term after we get back from New York! Because we're science-fiction geeks like that.... Heeee! :-D After we make it, we are going to take pictures with it all over campus. By doing this we are pretty much sealing our geek-dom, but we don't care. It will be marvelous!

Okay, I should start towards the direction of my bed...

... I miss human contact! :-(

Post Secret...

So sleepy...

Over the course of the night I have successfully coughed my throat raw. And my fever is back.

Thank-you life. [/sarcasm]

Q. Am I better yet?

A. No.

Q. Why not?

A. I don't know!

I think the worst part about being sick is being kept apart from others. I mean, I don't want to give anyone else this cold... I understand the need for the "keep your distance, I'm sick."-attitude. But it still sucks. So here I sit. Sick and alone.

It's not like my friends aren't doing their best to help me get better... Duane took me to Wal-mart to fill my prescription. Brett, Rachel D. and Jenna all brought me soup. Rachel D. and Jenna also brought me tea. Leah bought me a bagel and grapes from the Den and she keeps after me to see if I need anything. I appreciate all of it. I really really do! I just am impatient to get better!

My roommate has been gone all night. Practicing in the FAC and now she is out watching a movie with her music therapy friends. The times she was in the room, I was in bed dozing because I hardly slept during actual "night time" hours. Meaning I went to bed at 1:30 am and I woke-up at 3:30 am and couldn't fall asleep again until 6 am. I looked at the meds the doctor gave me, and insomnia isn't on the list of side effects, so I don't know why I was up. I just know it wasn't fun. I played Cubis on my iPod for about an hour.

Things are just harder when you're sick. :-(

I want to get better so I can be around people again.

...I was thinking about Twilight and Edward Cullen... (Ha, again... Because that book series is Ah-may-zing!) Wasn't Influenza what Edward was dying from, before Carlisle changed him? (Don't freak out people, I'm not dying.) *sigh* Edward Cullen......... *dreamy look*

Thunder?

First of all, it is just a little past the middle of February and we are currently experiencing a thunderstorm. Thunder, lightening--all of it. It's pretty awesome! :-D

I'm still sick. Ha, no surprise there. My fever is down I think, but I am still oh-so-very congested. There have been a couple times where I cough so hard and for so long there'll be tears coming out of my eyes. My throat hurts from all the coughing. The worst part was after I woke up this morning. I was coughing so hard and there was so much gunk in my lungs that it blocked my airway which made it hard to try and inhale so I could cough some more.

I just wanna get better NOW. :-P

Also, band run-out has been postponed so I don't have to worry about missing it! Yay!

Okay, back to watching The Prestige. :-)

:-(

I have influenza. That's right. The Flu. And I am right on the borderline of the 48 hours when the meds might be able to treat it. Otherwise I have to stick it out.

Great.

I had a fever of 101 at the doctors office. Because of that, I'm not allowed to go anywhere unless absolutely necessary and I have doctor's orders not to go to class until I am fever free for 24 hours. This could potentially mean that I don't get to go on band run-out this year... Which means I don't get to play Punchinello again. Life sucks. :-( :-( :-(

I really should eat something... I haven't had anything all day... Usually I'm starving... It's weird to not be physically hungry.

I'm sick....

I think I got about 5 hours of sleep... I woke up freezing cold, curled into a ball under my giant fuzzy blanket, my flannel sheet, my other blanket and my thick Harry Potter comforter...

I have a fever. Right now it's about 100 degrees. But seeing as how I am always cold, having a fever makes it ten times worse.

I also ache all over and I have a splitting headache. I have taken some ibuprofen, so well see if that alleviates any of these symptoms. My chest is also way congested.

Not cool.

I just got done talking to my mom about being sick... I pretty much cried the whole time. I don't have time for being sick!!!!!!

I had to call all my professors and tell them that I won't be coming into class today... THAT was fun. :-(

I feel so cruddy... And I have so much homework to do!!!

I also don't feel hungry at all, which I know isn't good.

This is when I wish we had a futon where I could just crash and watch TV instead of having to climb up into my loft if I want to lay down.



... I'm going to go crawl back into my hole now.

Movies!

So I succumbed and bought the movie Hook in addition to The Prestige... *siiiiigh* I have no will power... lol....

Stupid colds....

:-P I am getting sick and it's so not cool.... Practically the same kind of cold I had at the end of last semester. Congestion, deep cough, aches. Stupid germs. When I cough the back of my head hurts.

I took a nap today and it was amazing.

In other news, I am ridiculously excited for my trombone/tuba methods class! We met for the 1st time today and I can tell it's going to be awesome. Probably because it's being taught by Dr. Hancock, but still. I can't wait! I signed up to play trombone in May Term band this year.

Oh! Also, for my May Term class, Intro to Theatre, I am going to New York, New York for two weeks! :-D THAT will be ridiculously fun as well! I know we are going to see a show at the Metropolitan Opera and do a lot of touristy things while we're there. However, the main reason is of course theatre... I think we are getting a backstage tour of the New Amsterdam Theatre which is where Mary Poppins is currently showing.

Also, we're not actually going to SEE the show, but the theatre where Angela Lansbury is starring in newest her show "Deuce" is on the same block as our hotel... There's talk among the class of haunting the backstage door to see if we could get her autograph... I'm tempted to bring my VHS tape of The Court Jester... (Which came out in 1956... She starred in it with Danny Kaye, Basil Rathbone and Glynis Jones. In real life, when Angela made the movie, she was 31... lol, you know... FYI.)

BUT, for real, this is the list of shows on Broadway that we WILL be seeing...

Inherit the Wind
Company
Curtains
Spring Awakening
Grey's Gardens
110 in the Shade
The Pirate Queen
In the Heights

I am way excited.... Particularly for The Pirate Queen! I've seen previews for that online and it looks amazing!!!!! Put on as a collaboration of the people who did Riverdance and Les Miserables! :-D

[On a side note, I still hate this cold.]

While we're in New York we also have a night to ourselves to pick a show to go see.... I kind of want to see Beauty and the Beast, but the Drowsy Chaperone looks amazing too... Ahhh.... :-P


Okay, I need to do some homework... BTW, "The Prestige" came out on DVD yesterday! I want to buy it!!!!!

Happy Music...

I love this song... It's so happy and cute and cheerful... I loooooooooooooove it! :-D

It's a person singing to their garden, in case you don't know, from the Broadway show "On a Clear Day, You Can See Forever"

"Hurry! It's Lovely Up Here"

Hey buds below ... up is where to grow
Up with which below can't compare with.
Hurry - it's lovely up here...
Life down a hole takes an awful toll,
What with not a soul there to share with
Hurry - it's lovely up here!
Wake up, bestir yourself,
It's time that you disinter yourself
You've got a spot to fill - a pot to fill
And what a gift package of shower, sun and love
You'll be met above everywhere with,
Fondled and sniffed by millions who drift by,
Life here is rosy - if you're a posy
Hurry it's lovely here!

Hey, rhododend! Courage, little friend.
Ev'rything'll end rhododandy.
Hurry! It's lovely up here!
Climb up geranium, it can't be fun subterran-ium
On the exterior, it's cheerier
RSVP peonies, pollinate the breeze,
Make the queen of bees hot as brandy
Push up azalea, don't be a failure!
Come up and see the hoot we're giving!
Come up and see the grounds for living!
Come poke your head out!
Open up and spread out!
Hurry it's lovely here!

Sailing the seas....

I just wrote a rap song about pirating.... Yes. Pirating... As in sailing, Spanish Doubloons and what-not. As part of a Music Methods K-8 homework assignment. It's really stupid, but since it's for an Elementary Level.... I should be okay. But yeah... I'm a dork. :-P

Adventures! Well... Little ones anyway.

Jessica and Scott visiting were absolutely just what I needed. I feel so much better. It was an amazing good time!

Friday night, for dinner Scott, Jessica, Ted, Jared and I went out to eat. We went to a sushi restaurant that both Ted and Jessica knew about. It was my first time trying sushi, but I liked it! :-) I got a pretty "tame" dish for my first try (according to Ted)--I think it was called "crystal shrimp" or something... It had shrimp, crab and avocados in it. It was really good, it'd be fun to go back sometime. Some of the best parts of dinner were Ted, Scott and Jessica trying to eat the soup they had ordered.... I tried it and it was so salty... Like, worse than the salt-water rinse I had to do after I had my wisdom teeth removed. And I also ate a piece of wasabi paste that was on my plate.... I didn't know what it was.... But I do now!

When we get back to campus, Jessica, Scott and I met up with Duane and we went to the Seventh Day Slumber concert. That was pretty cool too. I had never heard of them before.

By the time the concert was over it was snowing outside. It was really beautiful! :-) The four of us decided to take Lead the Bowling Pin, to the old railroad bridge and take pictures. It was awesome! The snow was thick and beautiful and you could smell the vanilla from the Nestle Factory. :-) We took some pretty silly pictures, which will probably end up on here eventually.

When we got back to the dorm we were all hungry, so we ordered pizza. Jessica wanted to play Mario Kart on our Nintendo 64 so we borrowed 2 extra controllers from Ted and raced for about an hour and a half with a break in between to eat pizza. Ted and Jenna stopped by and it was a party! I really think that was the largest amount of people that have been in my dorm room that are not genetically related to me! Mario Kart was pretty fun... Jessica pretty much owned everyone as Yoshi, and Duane kept zapping everyone with the lightening bolt, making us all itty-bitty. Ted had a lot of fun laughing at all of our poor video game skills.... :-P LOL!

We finally called it quits around 1 am. Duane had left around 12, Jenna before that, and Ted around 12:30. We watched a bit of Faron the Prophecy, but we hadn't even gotten halfway through before Jessica started falling asleep. So we decided to go to bed. Earlier in the week I had asked Ted if it would be okay for Scott to sleep on their futon, since Jessica was sleeping in the empty bed in my room (Leah is gone for the weekend.) I showed him where Ted lived and I came back and started getting ready for bed.

Jessica and I ended up talking for a long time... It was something I really needed to do... I think we both did, although I feel like I did most of the talking. Some of it was stuff that I had talked to Ted about on MSN, but a lot of it wasn't. And talking about it in person is TOTALLY different than typing it in an online conversation. Some of it was also what I have been blogging about, just elaborated and explained. And then there some stuff that just can't be blogged about.

Jessica and I talked about the different stresses in our lives... And how hard this particular week as been on both of us. We talked about things that make us mad and things that frustrate us, and things that upset us for no reason. We discussed hormones and trying to deal with life, and how we're pretty dorky and weird. Especially together. We talked about hiding how we really feel, about hiding how stressed, frustrated and scared we get and how we wish people would look past the front we often put on... How we often avoid telling others that we're really struggling because we know that they have their own problems to deal with as well. How your heart can ache when you tell people that you are "okay" when you're really not and you wish certain people would just pull you aside and force you to say what the real problem is. We talked about social expectations, social interactions, hugs and being desperate for different things. We talked about how neither of us has found someone else at college who is like the other. How we haven't had any friendships that have progressed to how strong a of a bond we have between each other. We talked about how hard it is to be 2 1/2 hours away from each other and how it's so hard to find time to call and talk on the phone. We laughed and joked about how our time is spent poking each other on Facebook.

...Yeah... And those are just SOME of the stuff we talked about... We finally crashed around 5 in the morning. *sigh* It was a really good talk.

After we got up around 11 am, I eventually convinced Jessica that she was hungry and Jessica, Scott and I ate in the Den.

After lunch, we got Ted, and we all went and saw "Breach" at the movie theatre. It was a pretty cool movie... About a major leak in the FBI and how they caught the mole.

After we got back Ted left to go do something and Scott, Jessica and I finished watching Faron: the Prophecy. They both liked it! :-)

Jessica and Scott left after that... :-( Which was sad... But I'm really glad they came to visit!!!! It was an awesome good time!

Then for dinner I went to Carlos O'Kelley's with Ted and Jesse. That was pretty much hilarious as well.... They have some crazy plans for next year... LOL!

After I got back, I was a loser and practiced flute and piano for 45 minutes each and finished arranging Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as a string quartet--an assignment for my string methods class.

I came back around 11 pm... Put my pajamas on... Gave myself a facial, drank a cup of hot chocolate and then went to bed.

I feel so much better about life.

Another letter...

Dear God,

It's me again. I'm having problems keeping my rusty radio-flyer wagon on track... I would like some help. I'm getting overwhelmed. There's so much stuff I have to do....

Life sucks.

Love,
Me

P.S. Thanks for my awesome friends.

MSN...

One of the best things about online conversations is that you can talk about really deep, important things... Ones that mean a lot... And the other end doesn't have to know that you're crying because you're so stressed and what they are saying helps more than you can say....

Dear Valentine's Day,

You suck. Go away.

Painfully single,
Sarah


P.S. Why do you even exist? I don't like you. Bleh.

_______________

My life is so unexciting.

Cynical...

I'm kind of in a weird mood... This day has gone downhill. :-P I got my music history test back today so that's what started it. I passed... but barely. Barely barely barely. I knew it would be barely, but still. Stupid life. I also found out my midterm grade for that class. THAT sped up the downhill process.

So, I'm trying to have a good day... Buts it's hard....

Then there's my roommate who keeps going on about her past Valentine's Day gifts from her various boyfriends and stuff..

Um... yay?

It definitely was a one-sided conversation with her talking about all the balloons, stuffed animals, mugs full of candy and the flowers she's gotten over the years....

I'm kind of tired about hearing about flowers. And I'm tried of hearing Leah discuss why she hasn't gotten any today. From her boyfriend or her father.

Honestly, do I care?

Nope.

Is it my problem?

Nope.

Last time I got flowers was from my RA last year, as a "good luck" present for being in A Christmas Carol. She sent us two roses. One for me and one for Rachel V. Which was great... They were pretty! Before that it was my corsage from senior prom. *shrugs* I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining about that...

Basically, I'm just tired of the "I always get flowers from [so-and-so]...But nothing has come yet today... I wonder why?"-attitude she's been showing.

The way this day has gone, my attitude has become: "Knock it off. I very rarely get flowers, so therefore I don't expect them. It makes life easier. Stop whining."

Bleh.

I don't need flowers.

I've begun to think this is a stupid holiday.

Waaaaay to proclaim it to the world alllllll the people who are in relationships to allllll the people who are single.

Congratulations.

Right now I wish I could be more happy/warm fuzzy. But. I'm not. Maybe that will change... Who knows....? I hope so anyways. Maybe it'll get better since I've blogged about it and let off some steam....

But I am in a kind of mood where I'll try to pick fights with certain people. Just for the sake of being argumentative.

Heh... What a great mood to be in, huh?

Woo-hoo. Time to work to keep the sarcasm in check. :-P

Being crafty...

Well... It's finally Valentine's Day.... And that's all I have to say about that right now... Aside from the fact that I totally just dribbled rubber cement on my carpet while making Valentine cards tonight... Way to go me... :-P heh...


Jessica and Scott are coming to visit this weekend! Yay! :-D

Quick quip...

"You cannot expect others to stand up for you, if you first do not have the courage to stand up for yourself."

The End of the Day

Working on a paper at 12:30 on a Friday night sucks. I have 110 words written. I'll finish it tomorrow. It's only one page single-spaced, so I can do it. Just not right now.

I went to the Vagina Monologues tonight. Eh.... Definitely NOT my thing... topic/production-wise, but the acting was amazing. *shrugs* I knew it was going to be controversial.

I had asked Duane if he wanted to watch a movie with me after the show, but it looks like something else came up. He's not online. He probably went to coffeehouse or something. *shrugs* Oh well.

My roommate is gone for the weekend. Yet again. I miss her a lot, but I feel like a loser complaining about it all the time. I don't have the heart to ask her about maybe staying here for a Saturday or something... Because I know weekends are the only time when she gets to see her boyfriend... But we don't get a lot of chances to do things together, over the span of a day. I don't know.... It just... I don't know....

In case anyone is wondering, my music history test went.... Okay I guess.... I think I might have scraped by with a passing score, but who knows...

After the test Rachel V. cornered me and we went to the coffee shop on campus. After we ordered, we discussed about some of my blog posts. I love her, she's amazing. It felt good to talk about them a little. :-) From what I can tell, life seems to be hard all around... It's like a twisted mutation of cabin fever. :-(

I'm cold. And sleepy.

*siiigh* :-/

PYROTECHNICS!

1. I just got back from seeing The Phantom of the Opera. It was amazing. Oh, my goodness, gracious me. It was soooo COOL!!!! Even though we were 4 rows from the very top seats... It was amazing. More later.

2. I have a music history test in 8 hours. All I want to do is pass. Because right now, that's all I hope for.

3. What I really want to do is curl up and sleep. For a really really long time. But I don't have that luxury. :-(

Mind Vomit

I hate that I get jealous and angry over the love and compassion I see shown to others.

It makes me sick inside. I'm such a hypocrite.

I get worked up over so many petty things when I really have nothing to complain about. My life is relatively easy.

I can't believe I'm like this. It makes me sick. It's the total opposite of everything I try to be.

....It's my personality.... I struggle for perfection, but because I'm human that is impossible to achieve.... I hate asking for help and I often hate being told what to do. I hate not being in control.

...WHY do I think this way??? WHY am I like this??????

My life is not my own. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of being busy. I'm tired of the monotony of homework and the ever-present need to practice. I tired of money and stupid Mensa food. I'm tired of not having a car and not being good enough. I'm tired of grades and tests and not being the smartest. I'm tired of being clueless, and I'm tried of being bored and restless. I'm tired of being rational. I'm tired of being cold all the time. I'm tired of our messy dorm. I'm tired of stress and I'm tired of my shortcomings.

And I hate that I'm so fed up with being busy that I'm crying. I have a billion things to do. And it never stops. My friends have countdowns to various times and events.... I can't stand that.... I just want to get through today, then tomorrow, then the rest of the week, then next week..... It never ends.

This semester is a beast and I'm having trouble conquering it. The blade of my sword is dull and my arm tires with every stroke. It taunts me and I become more frustrated. I want to turn around and go back to bed. But I can't. I'm surrounded and the only way out is past this monster...

...Sometimes I think I'm just as messed up on the inside.... But I've somehow learned how to hide it, or suppress it.... I don't know...



Jessica. I freaking miss you.


...Will this post come up in conversation? It might. Will I discuss it? I really don't know. Will anyone be able to tell that I feel this way? Not if I can help it.



I'm still convinced I'm a piece of work.

A brief reflection...

Heh.... I really have no clue what I'm doing.... and I'm scared... But that's normal, right? It's part of the adventure....

This seems like it was made such a long time ago...

And some things aren't even applicble any more.... It's interesting to see what changes... And to try to figure out what I was thinking at the time... Like #43. He will have standing on one foot contests with me . -Wha??? I'm pretty sure that was a filler... Or #101. He will often have overdue library books. -I think I was trying to say somethng along the lines of "he will be an avid reader." And #106. He will play croquet. -Huh??? I don't remember why that one is there either....

...I think I was also in pre-PMS way-super-lonely mode... But that's okay.

THIS on the other hand is still 100% totally me. I still can't believe I wrote that.... I am going to get that published someday. That poem is me... It's a part of me... I love it...

I like what my sister said to me over Christmas break... "You shouldn't say 'hopeless romantic.' Instead you should say you're a 'hopeful romantic.'"



I think the "anit-chick-flick kick" has started coming to an end.... I'm not ready for "The Notebook" yet, but no more loud protestations to watching romantic girly movies.... *is a dork*



"Be who you are and say what you feel, because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind."

Did not see this coming...

"Sarah, I like you...we haven't had time to talk, but there it is." -Duane's myspace blog posting today.

This statement has totally blown my mind. Out of the blue, totally did NOT see it coming.

Whoa....

And no, it's not, "like you" as a friend... it's "Like-like". When I first read his blog I wasn't 100% sure WHAT the exact meaning was, (I mean I had an idea---I'm not stupid---but still I wasn't sure....) but Jenna just told me that Ted mentioned it to her yesterday.

...And I'm totally like: "Whaaaaaa-AAAAT? Whoa man.... Why me? What's so special about me? I have so many bizarre and weird quirks and character flaws.... Why would they be interested in me...? Geez-oh-pete's What do they see???? What does he see in me? When did this happen? Someone is interested in me? ME? WHAT?"

Wow, life.... What a curve-ball!


I've gotten out of the habit of over-analyzing every little interaction I have with guys... Basically to the point where I've stopped looking for the possibly of anyone showing interest in me right now... So that's another reason this is such a surprise to me...

And what's worse is I really don't know what to say to that statement, other than, if he wants to talk about to me about it, I'll talk. I don't know what I would say but... yeah.

Oh, and my roommate just told me she had some sort of idea that Duane liked me. Wow... My roommate picked up on something. For once it was her, and not me.... wow....

How did I not see this????

....Yeah, I pretty much don't know what to say about it right now.

But I am flattered....