Laaaaame...

Of COURSE I would wake up at 4:30 am and not be able to fall back asleep again!

In other news, my cold is kind of better...

Preview at 10:30 am

I hope I'm somewhat improved by tomorrow... Right now I can't even bend over because my nose is so runny... I wonder what my professors will say at my preview when I have to blow my nose after each piece... I realllllly hope I don't have to play all of everything. Not because of a lack of stamina... But because I can't catch my nose!

Murphy's Law, Murphy's Law, Murphy's Law....

I do feel fairly prepared though... I mean, it's not perfect or recital ready, but it's so much better than it was... So I hope it goes well... *crosses fingers* I am determined to play my best.

Stupid cold.



I just keep thinking that at this time tomorrow, I'll be at Bethel, with Luke...

Self-medication at its finest...

The nasal spray, prescription and one of the Sinus congestion/pain boxes are all Rachel D.'s. The rest are for me. Don't worry. I"m not taking them all at once. Last night I just took some Alka-seltzer and Sinus Congestion/pain.

I'm going to the store to get some real psuedophedrine and some nice tissues. My nose is all plugged up now...

I just want to get better!!!! :-P

Ouch...

Created by Train Horn

Resigned to my fate...

*sigh* Of COURSE I would be sick the week of my preview. :-P Murphy's Law, right?

I have a slightly sore throat and my chest is still congested... Could definitely be worse. *knocks on wood*

All I can do is laugh at the irony of the situation and drink more orange juice....

Happy weekend!

This weekend was exactly what I needed. I got to go home and have a break from the stress of Wartburg College. Mom wanted me to babysit my two younger siblings while she and my dad took Matthew to a college scholarship day.

I asked Luke if he was free to come visit annnnnnd it worked out that he could come down for a little while.

:-)

That was super super happy! Really really happy! It was absolutely so fantastic to see him! :-)

The five of us got Barrel chicken for dinner and then played an intense game of Pirates of the Caribbean Life. If everyone had stopped taking my life tiles, I would have WON. But, that's okay. It was fun. :-)

After that I taught Luke how to play Cribbage and that was a good time too. He beat me, which I suppose makes us even for the time he taught me to play Gin and I beat him. Anyway, yeah it was a lot of fun!

After that we watched Ghostbusters with Matthew. Heeeeheeeee! I love that movie! It's so much fun! And lots of random quotables and things that I had missed before... ("Shhhh! Listen! Do you smell that?" And the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man's face as the Ghostbusters destroy Gozer.)

*sigh* There are so many things that just make me feel warm and happy and... loved. :-) I couldn't stop smiling.

This morning Luke and I made an Amercianized version of a full English breakfast. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. :-) Eggs, beans, bacon, sausages, toast and tea. (We nixed the fried tomatoes/mushrooms...) It was delicious!

I had an important birthday party to get to, so we both took off around 11 am. It's always hard to say good-bye... I mean, each time I get to see him still feels like a novelty.... Buuuuut I am going to visit him over my break, which starts on Fridaaaaaaaay... So in all reality, I don't have a long time to wait. But that doesn't mean I don't want it to be now.....

The birthday party was for Rachel V. :-) It was a lot of fun! I met everyone at Olive Garden and then we went and saw He's Just Not That Into You. It was a lot better than I thought... I don't like how the trailers portrayed this movie. Anyway, it was fairly cute and I enjoyed myself. After that we all went to Coldstone and had ice cream which was good! No surprises there, although halfway through my bowl of sweet cream with chocolate shavings I wished I had gotten chocolate ice cream instead. :-P Oh, well!

After that fantastic party we all came back to the dorm and I unpacked and then took a short nap. Upon waking I went to work at ITS. Practiced my flute after I was done with work. And now I'm blogging and working on my program notes for my recital.




So yeah... My recital... Last Friday my flute teacher told me I had improved a lot... I actually had a good lesson! :-D As long as I don't slack off, and do a lot of good, focused practicing, and work on my counting and sense of internal rhythm my recital preview should go well on Friday.

And once that is done, maybe my face will start to clear up... For maybe a week or so until my recital starts getting closer....

... I'm really working on keeping myself thinking positively and telling myself that I will pass my preview.... And praying a lot... And of course practicing a lot....

...Which brings up another stress... I think I am getting a cold! Not a runny nose or anything... But a chest cold.... Drat. Drat drat drat. I woke up from my nap and my chest feels all heavy and congested, and I try and cough and loosen it up, but nothing works.... I'm going to work really hard at getting good sleep and drinking orange juice... But I really hope I can either bash through this cold and keep practicing, or that it goes away very quickly.... I've taken Mucinex, so we'll see how that helps... It was definitely effecting my practicing tonight... :-(

I'm going to go shower and go to bed. This was a good weekend. :-)

Next weekend will be good too. I keep telling myself that "next weekend at this time, I'll be up at Bethel, with Luke..." :-)
_____________________________

Me: AHHHHHH! I'm so much in love!!!!!!! *sigh*
Rachel D.: Hahaha! I know!!!

Sometimes camp songs say it best too...

God gave the wise men their wisdom,
And to the poets their dreams.
To father and mother,
Their love for each other,
But He'd left me out so it seems...


I went around broken hearted,
Thinking life was an empty affair...
But when God gave me you,
It was then that I knew,
He had given me more than my share!

:-)

Garfield minus Garfield

I just can't win today....

I got up early to take a shower but someone got in before me...

I had to sit through a ridiculous presentation that made no sense because it was so poorly put together. Plus it lasted 10 minutes longer than class time when the person was supposed to present 2 class periods ago.

Someone used almost my entire quart of milk that I bought on SATURDAY. I didn't even get a chance to open it myself!*

...And I STILL don't know who broke one of my cups!

I have my night class tonight and I just... Don't want to go.

I still don't know what to do about my recital preview.

I'm sleepy.

It's cloudy.

I don't want to do anything.



I just don't have the patience to deal with these stupid little crises.

Blargh! Angry, angry....





*Emily, I haven't forgotten that I still owe you for using some of your stuff. We should talk so I can pay you back.
________________________

Edit: Annnnnnnnnnd I just got an F on my last orchestration quiz.... Wow... This day has just been... bad. :-P I'm going to bed.

A list...

Things I like:
Conversations on the phone with Luke about super random things :-)
Out-of-the-blue phone calls from Jessica
The idea of passing my preview, especially before break
Going to visit Luke for a whole week
Conversation hearts
Hugs
Having a car
Practicing a lot and making progress
Being done with my capstone class
Sunshine
Getting to judge 5th grade solo contest at Hudson, IA
Being silly
Sleep
Feeling loved
Praying


Things I strongly dislike:
The way my complexion is beginning to show how stressed I am becoming
Being stressed in general
The nuisance of taking a shower
The idea of possibly pushing my preview back until I return from break
Back pain/general muscle discomfort
Making car/insurance payments
The possibility of having to take out another student loan
Midterms/finals
Not having enough hours in the day
Practicing a lot and not getting anywhere
The midi-lab
Writing program notes
Folding laundry
Being contrary
Flute lessons
Being frustrated



Also, I'm still trying to figure out WHY I'm having so much trouble learning all my arpeggios... Like, I understand the *theory* behind all of them... On paper I can write it all out and explain the differences. But I can't just *play* them off the top of my head. I've done things like write the note names on paper and on the staff... But nothing has really helped. I'm expected to be able to play them by memory in my lessons... and when I play my diminished and dominant arpeggios I have to really focus and map out what I am going to play... And that takes a long time... At least, longer than my flute teacher wants to wait. Especially when she wants me to be able to play all my major, harmonic minor, melodic minor scales, and major, minor diminished and dominant arpeggios in 10 minutes. (And there are 12 keys!) My brain just cannot work that fast... No matter how I try. I can do major scales... And most of my harmonic major scales. But everything else... I just need time to process... and the rate my teacher is trying to push me in my lessons... I just end up standing there TRYING desperately to think as fast as I can... and feeling so stupid because eventually I get so stressed that I take longer than my flute teacher wants to wait, or she gets tired of me messing up and rants about how "I should know these already."

And I've struggled with arpeggios since I started learning them... This isn't anything new. It's just gotten worse with each thing she keeps adding.

And I *know* I'm not stupid... (One's ability to play and construct various arpeggios should not be a determining factor of intelligence anyway...) But still! It's so frustrating that this is so hard! WHY is it so hard??? Why can't I just get my brain to work the way I want it to???? Why does this "deficiency" in my playing ability *make* me feel stupid??? I feel like I work so hard for something I never seem to be able to do "right."

I just... I just want it to be break. *sigh* I know that won't necessarily "solve" the all my problems... But life is better when I'm with Luke.

After break I just want to pass everything and be done with school. And have a job and move on to different adventures... And I know I'm not alone in thinking that....

Sometimes....

You know what? You know what? Sometimes I don't care. I just don't.

I don't care that Joachim Quantz was one of the most prominent experts on playing the flute in the Baroque era. I don't care that he worked for King Frederick-something-or-other in Dresnen. And I really don't care that he invented two separate keys for playing D#/Eb on the Baroque flute.

And right now, I also don't care that Schubert wrote leider. Or was a contemporary of Beethoven. Or that he had syphillis and died young.

I don't care about sonata form. Or ritornello form. Or cadences, chord progressions, dominants, and tonics. I don't care about expositions, bridges or themes.

I just don't care!

And sometimes I just don't want to learn. I don't want to take the time to research composers, to do score analysis. Who has that kind of time? Really????? I *KNOW* that music students at Wartburg do not take that kind of time. If I was that insane I would be a performance major at some conservatory.

And right now I especially don't care that I'm "not showing Schubert the respect he deserves" by the way I'm playing his music. It's hard. I'm doing my best. I'm still getting better from having my back and arms all messed up.

Plus, music lessons are NOT the only thing I have going on right now. I have so many other aspects of my academic career that call for my attention. DON'T tell me that my senior recital is the ONLY thing I should be focusing on. If I give a flawless senior recital, but fail some of my other required classes, what good does that do? Don't judge my priorities.

I'm really getting to the point where if I don't want to do something, no one can make me. (Which I think it's one of my biggest character flaws... And letting myself get pushed to this point.) But being challenged in this way is not inspiring me to work harder and improve! It's doing the exact opposite. And now I have to work three times as hard to try and get past all this unneeded frustration that's directed at my playing, my skill, and my academic motivation.

Nothing makes me more angry and upset than when people make me feel inadequate. I'm hard enough on myself as it is. It's so difficult to want to be motivated to practice when so many things I do are "wrong" and that I should work on improving my "practice skills." Did I do anything right? I don't know. All I was told was all the things I should be doing. All the things that I did wrong.

And a half hour lecture on how I should be motivated on my own to learn practically everything there is to know about my four senior recital pieces and how I should not have to be "told" to do this is NOT what I needed. Just tell me I'm not living up to your expectations and get it over with.

I do care that my technique is "sloppy." I do care that I can't play my pieces up to tempo. I want to play better.... And it's not like I won't go and practice and try and improve. There have been several times I've practiced and had to come back and take ibuprofen because I was in so much discomfort. But the way this is being handled is not inspiring me to improve. To be motivated.



I just want to shine.

A list:

All I want right now is:

1. It to be spring break. Now. Right..... Now. Now please? I want go visit Luke!
2. Know what I'm going to do with my life. Annnnd knowing if I'm going to be successful would me nice too.
3. My shoulders/arms to be fixed and better.
4. A back rub.
5. Pass my recital preview with flying colors.
6. Stop feeling so "blah." I know why I'm feeling "blah" but I hate waiting for it to go away.

I'm so.... Restless... The weather has been so nice this weekend! I want to do something... I want to have some sort of grand, hilarious adventure.... But I don't know what...



The night before last I had quite possibly the most boring dream ever. I dreamt that the Christmas lights in our dorm fell down off the wall. And no one cared. That was it. Lame.

My order from Amazon came in the mail yesterday, and it was super happy! :-) I had ordered the DVD and soundtrack to Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog and the soundtrack to season 4 of Doctor Who. It is all very very awesome. :-)



#1.... Nnnnow! How about....... Now? *sigh*

Proper Technique Fail...

Thinking about it more, I'm now fairly certain it was conducting during student teaching that has messed me up now. My co-op didn't use a podium because he was taller than me, so I had to conduct way higher than I was used to (and for what was comfortable) and I remember my arms, particularly my upper arms being tense as I was conducting.

Tensing up as I play my flute, and going back to a vigorous practice routine probably didn't help very much either.

The ring finger and pinky on my right hand have started a tendency to lock up. It's really annoying.

I've made a practice schedule, of half hour increments listing what scales and arpeggios I'm going to work on and what parts of my recital music I'm going to practice. Two half hour increments a day. I also have a column for a 15 minute section where I just work on scales and arpeggios. That will put my total practice time at an hour and 15 minutes a day, just broken up so my hands/arms don't die...

My preview is February 27th, so I can't really afford to miss practice time, but also don't want to do something that will cause permanent damage. Gah. Stupid messed up-ness.

A blog post of updated proportions...

Okay, I finally have a free moment, so I decided it was about time that I blogged. :-) Not that anyone has to read this, merely to serve as a review for future reference. Someday I know I will go... Hmmm... February 5th 2009... What was I doing... And then I'll look back and find this post and see that I haven't really done all that much that's terribly interesting. And yet, here I am blogging. :-P

I survived Meistersinger weekend. We hosted some students and discovered the next morning that they had flooded our bathroom.... Clearly not checking to see if the shower curtain had been tucked into the shower before they used it... And then using MY towel to try and mop it up... All without telling us. I'm not mad, I think it's kind of funny. It totally could have gone worse. And it's not like I'll have to host Meistersingers again ever. The concert went well on Sunday, both for the WCCB and for the two honor bands.

I didn't get to watch much of the Superbowl because I had to go to a MENC meeting and then to work.

I got my big capstone paper finished Monday evening, at 11:8pm. Rachel D. helped proofread it. I presented it yesterday and it went fairly well. It is very nice to have that done and out of the way, even though it made life stressful for a while. I'm glad I started it when I did.

Tuesday I had my job interview and I survived that as well. I think it went fine. It was a lot less scary than I thought it was going to be. The school will call me sometime next week whether or not I get the job. *crosses fingers*

I went to the chiropractor yesterday and that was nothing short of extremely frustrating. I mean, the doctor was nice and very knowledgeable, and the staff were very helpful and extremely pleasant. But the appointment ended up only being a consultation and evaluation of my symptoms. The doctor didn't want to do any adjustments because he's leaving today for a weekend seminar and if I need him later he wouldn't be around. Blah. So I made another appointment for next Tuesday and then cried in the car all the way to Wal-mart where I bought Haagen-Dasz chocolate ice cream. And printer paper and caffeine-free mint tea.

I forgot to buy Kleenexes and more conversation hearts. I'm at the end of my 3rd bag since January 2nd. I also need to buy construction paper and glue.

According to the chiropractor, I have a bone in my shoulder that is out of alignment which could be pinching a nerve in my spine that leads to my fingers. He said it was possible that this could also be causing the muscle fatigue I've been experiencing in my arms. (And now my legs... Walking up the stairs today was really tiring. Wartburg-Track-and-Field?!) What was dumb was that since my fingers were feeling tingly, the doctor suggested that this could be due to a major nerve that goes over my elbow to be pinched whenever I bend my arm... So he told me to try and not bend my elbow as much... And then asked me why I was looking at him like he was crazy. So I pointed out that I play the flute, and not bending my elbows as much... is like, next to impossible. So he told me to maybe put an ice pack on my elbows for a while, if they get bad. :-P He also said maybe I should start exercising to strengthen my muscles, because I might have just "overdone it" and they suddenly just went caput, even though I've been playing my flute for almost 12 years.

I just really hope Tuesday's appointment helps fix this.... Or at least start to turn around my problems. My back and shoulders hurt off and on all the time, and slowly get worse each day, it seems like. I take the pain meds the campus doctor prescribed to me, but like I said. Hiding the problem doesn't make it go away. I just really really really really really hope that this isn't something that could make it so I can't play for my preview/senior recital/the rest of my life...


You know.... I wonder if these problems aren't from student teaching... Not from moving equipment like marimbas, timpani, tubas and drum sets... But from being tense all the time while I was conducting.... And then being tense from playing my flute... Lovely. I bet that's it. Why didn't it occur to me before? :-P

Something else that was not cool: last night the Mensa had chicken tenders on the menu for dinner... But they CHANGED it and served chicken Kiev instead! Which is NOT the SAME! Chicken tenders are the best meal the Mensa has and Rachel D. and I were not happy that it was changed. Laaaaaaame.

This morning I had a test in Orchestration, which was not very hard and all I have left to really do is practice my flute (which I am not looking forward to...) and catch up on the reading for my philosophy class. And catch up on sleep.

Tomorrow after class, Rachel D., Jill, Emily and I'm not sure who else, are going to go to Dillard's to try on dresses. Just for fun! :-) It's prom season, so there should plenty of things to try on... After Dillard's we're going to go out for dinner and ice cream. It'll be a fun "girly night" thing. :-)

This weekend is I <3 Music Day. I have no comment for this activity that I am forced to participate in.

On Sunday the Rachels and I are going to go see Inkheart. :-) That should be pretty fun too!

Okay, that's all really for now.... How's this for a nice little update?