Sometimes....

You know what? You know what? Sometimes I don't care. I just don't.

I don't care that Joachim Quantz was one of the most prominent experts on playing the flute in the Baroque era. I don't care that he worked for King Frederick-something-or-other in Dresnen. And I really don't care that he invented two separate keys for playing D#/Eb on the Baroque flute.

And right now, I also don't care that Schubert wrote leider. Or was a contemporary of Beethoven. Or that he had syphillis and died young.

I don't care about sonata form. Or ritornello form. Or cadences, chord progressions, dominants, and tonics. I don't care about expositions, bridges or themes.

I just don't care!

And sometimes I just don't want to learn. I don't want to take the time to research composers, to do score analysis. Who has that kind of time? Really????? I *KNOW* that music students at Wartburg do not take that kind of time. If I was that insane I would be a performance major at some conservatory.

And right now I especially don't care that I'm "not showing Schubert the respect he deserves" by the way I'm playing his music. It's hard. I'm doing my best. I'm still getting better from having my back and arms all messed up.

Plus, music lessons are NOT the only thing I have going on right now. I have so many other aspects of my academic career that call for my attention. DON'T tell me that my senior recital is the ONLY thing I should be focusing on. If I give a flawless senior recital, but fail some of my other required classes, what good does that do? Don't judge my priorities.

I'm really getting to the point where if I don't want to do something, no one can make me. (Which I think it's one of my biggest character flaws... And letting myself get pushed to this point.) But being challenged in this way is not inspiring me to work harder and improve! It's doing the exact opposite. And now I have to work three times as hard to try and get past all this unneeded frustration that's directed at my playing, my skill, and my academic motivation.

Nothing makes me more angry and upset than when people make me feel inadequate. I'm hard enough on myself as it is. It's so difficult to want to be motivated to practice when so many things I do are "wrong" and that I should work on improving my "practice skills." Did I do anything right? I don't know. All I was told was all the things I should be doing. All the things that I did wrong.

And a half hour lecture on how I should be motivated on my own to learn practically everything there is to know about my four senior recital pieces and how I should not have to be "told" to do this is NOT what I needed. Just tell me I'm not living up to your expectations and get it over with.

I do care that my technique is "sloppy." I do care that I can't play my pieces up to tempo. I want to play better.... And it's not like I won't go and practice and try and improve. There have been several times I've practiced and had to come back and take ibuprofen because I was in so much discomfort. But the way this is being handled is not inspiring me to improve. To be motivated.



I just want to shine.