I hate that I get jealous and angry over the love and compassion I see shown to others.
It makes me sick inside. I'm such a hypocrite.
I get worked up over so many petty things when I really have nothing to complain about. My life is relatively easy.
I can't believe I'm like this. It makes me sick. It's the total opposite of everything I try to be.
....It's my personality.... I struggle for perfection, but because I'm human that is impossible to achieve.... I hate asking for help and I often hate being told what to do. I hate not being in control.
...WHY do I think this way??? WHY am I like this??????
My life is not my own. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of being busy. I'm tired of the monotony of homework and the ever-present need to practice. I tired of money and stupid Mensa food. I'm tired of not having a car and not being good enough. I'm tired of grades and tests and not being the smartest. I'm tired of being clueless, and I'm tried of being bored and restless. I'm tired of being rational. I'm tired of being cold all the time. I'm tired of our messy dorm. I'm tired of stress and I'm tired of my shortcomings.
And I hate that I'm so fed up with being busy that I'm crying. I have a billion things to do. And it never stops. My friends have countdowns to various times and events.... I can't stand that.... I just want to get through today, then tomorrow, then the rest of the week, then next week..... It never ends.
This semester is a beast and I'm having trouble conquering it. The blade of my sword is dull and my arm tires with every stroke. It taunts me and I become more frustrated. I want to turn around and go back to bed. But I can't. I'm surrounded and the only way out is past this monster...
...Sometimes I think I'm just as messed up on the inside.... But I've somehow learned how to hide it, or suppress it.... I don't know...
Jessica. I freaking miss you.
...Will this post come up in conversation? It might. Will I discuss it? I really don't know. Will anyone be able to tell that I feel this way? Not if I can help it.
I'm still convinced I'm a piece of work.
3 comments:
Hello Sarah, I miss you a lot too, and I don't say it enough or really show how much I do (because that would mean I have to admit the pain to myself). You know, we're all pretty messed up...you may think you're the only one but you're not. Really, you are not. I'm so messed up Sarah but a lot of times I just try to ignore it, and most of the time I can't even take life by days, I have to take it chunk by chunk, minute by minute because that's all I can handle...and I think that's how sometimes it's best to do it. Conquer the small stuff/big stuff piece by piece and eventually it leads up to something big. I love you lots! *major hugs* We could probably break down together right now!
Yeah. We so totally could.
You don't know me,Hi stranger. I like your puke. Puke some more, also, try cutting things out of your plate, things that don't allow you to get a car, walking in the snow is hard.
Oh and human beings are not perfect, thats why we're killing each other.
P.S. I think you used the wrong word in your Subtitle. I think Loose (free or released from fastening or attachment)is supposed to be lose (to fail to keep).
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