"Little did she know..."

I need a place where I can go,
Where I can whisper what I know,
Where I can whisper who I like
And where I go to see them.

I need a place where I can hide,
Where no one sees my life inside,
Where I can make my plans, and write them down
So I can read them.

A place where I can bid my heart be still
And it will mind me.
A place where I can go when I am lost,
And there I'll find me.

I need a place to spend the day,
Where no one says to go or stay,
Where I can take my pen and draw
The girl I mean to be.

~The Girl I Mean to Be, from The Secret Garden

I was listening to this soundtrack and this song came up... And even though I've always liked it, I was impressed how closely the lyrics fit me right now....

I got to talk to my mom today, which was good. We talked about my college life--what I struggle with and why certain things are difficult for me. I haven't had a good talk with her for a while, so it was much needed.

Oh, yeah... And I have a cold.... It started out as a really bad sore throat on Tuesday, and didn't really start to go away until Thursday. I went to the doctor on Wednesday so now I'm on antibiotics, but if this cold is viral, there's nothing they can do. Now, the sore throat is gone but it's replaced with bad congestion and a cough.... It gets worse at night and I wake up feeling like I inhaled a couple bricks because my chest feels so heavy with gunk. The doctor said I should be careful so that the sore throat doesn't become strep, but now I think I should worry about bronchitis.

I finally practiced my flute today. The last time I had practiced was Monday... BAD!!! I really don't like this cold.... On Tuesday playing in band was so difficult... I faked a lot, but by the end, according to others around me I was really pale... I felt a little tired, but I didn't pass out or anything.

I need to write out my finals schedule so I can sign up for my music juires.... Not cool, not cool....

Anyways... Back to the song... I feel like I should just warn you that this will probably be contradictory....

I'm really strugging with aspects of my personality that conflict with that of other peoples... And trying to deal with my inner competition for attention. I don't like not being in control, and I don't like being told what to do. I have a dominant personality... I know I do.... Last year I became really passive aggressive, but that seems to be fading out this year as I still struggle inwardly with not getting my way all the time... Not to mention trying to mentally check myself so that I'm not bossy to the extreme...

I've also come to realize that I am very independant... I'm not afriad to do things by myself or on my own. That doesn't mean I prefer to do things on my own, but I can. But then, on the otherhand, I have this need for human interaction and contact. I think part of it has derived from the group of people I've come to hang out with--we all have become pretty comfortable with each other so personal space has been greatly reduced. Even if it's just all of us just sitting cross-legged on the futon, knee to knee, I enjoy the closeness, and I miss it when I'm not there. The poking/tickling/wrestling--it's like having a bunch of older brothers... Not to mention the hugs... Those are nice too. :-)

But then I am also very stubborn. Which can be both good... and bad. I usually don't have a problem sticking up for myself, but then if it's something I just don't want to do, I can be a rather pig-headed.

I've also been thinking about my show of emotion... (I'm talking about normal show of emotion... Not PMS-induced show of emotion.) I mean.... I think I'm pretty even-tempered... Yes there are things that bother me, yes things make me mad, but it takes an awful LOT of things to give me reason to stay mad/upset. And I vent a lot when I blog... That helps a lot too... And, well, I don't like being sad/depressed/upset/mad... Yes, I know, who does, but, to quote a favorite movie "I dearly love to laugh."

...But then there's the part of me that gets bottled up---some of it gets poured into this impartial space... But still.... One of the reasons I miss Jessica is that I feel completely at ease with talking with her, and our silences aren't awkward. We go on walks and drives and just vent to each other. And I feel comfortable telling her when I've had a completely crummy day... So, I guess in the end it's my own fault for being shy and insecure and not asking someone if they would go on a walk with me when I'm having a rough time....

Then there's feeling like I have to compete for attention is another aspect of my character that bothers me... Part of it derives from my dominant personality, and the other from being the oldest of 6 children. I suppose being homeschooled plays a factor too, since I haven't felt the need to compete for attention at this level before. (And attention is addicting I would like to add.) I'm still trying to square with being single, but part of me inside doesn't want to get pushed to the back burner when prettier, smarter, more agressive girls are around. I'm trying really hard not to be nasty/sarcastic. I really am.

"Who would want a dreamer?"

-It all boils down to that really. That 5 word line. Sure I talk about semi-normal things and stuff... But there's always an internal dialogue going on in my head. Sometimes it's comments to add to the conversation at the time, maybe it's something funny (or clever if I'm lucky) or a story to pass the time. But sometimes I worry that I get myself so caught up in what I want, what I think I'm looking for, that I might be missing something important. *sigh* I don't know.

Alas! This is life...

I'm really not sad or depressed or upset right now... Just introspective... And trying to figure out myself.

I need to make an adventure cloak... Maybe that will help with the lack of super-pillow-fort building....

I don't know what chapter I'm on in my life right now other then it's something like: (told in 3rd person omniscient, read by the voice of Emma Thompson)

"As the first semester of her second year at Wartburg College began to draw to a close, Sarah started to wonder which was more likely to happen--recovering from her cold and passing her music jury, or winning the lottery.

"Don't be silly. She thought to herself. You could still pass. Just start praying. Really hard. And don't put off your practicing anymore---but perhaps you should buy a lottery ticket just in case..."

[Little did she know...]

I wish my life were a romantic comedy.