Jumbled and cluttered thoughts...

I'm tired of being stressed. I'm tired of how my body deals with stress. For the first time in my life I am unhappy with my weight. I'm tired of complaining all the time. I'm tired of being frustrated. I'm tired of being short tempered. I'm okay with being single, but I'm tired of seeing couples everywhere I go. I'm tired of having low self-esteem. I'm tired of being Harry Potter to someone's Colin Creevy. I miss naps. I'm tired of other people not being able to knuckle down and get their life in order. I'm tired of intellectual laziness. I really like playing scramble-face with Jessica and her camera. I miss laughing until I cry. I'm tired of irresponsibility. I'm tired of working my tail off to make a deadline and watching others procrastinating until the last minute and than receiving an extension. I'm tired of feeling unattractive. I'm tired of not having things go my way. I wish I knew how some seemingly undeserving people have significant others, while other people who are great and amazing remain single. I wish I had money to buy that dress I tried on at Dillard's. I'm tired of not being smart enough. I'm tired of being too smart for my own good. I'm tired of knowing where I'm going in life, but not being able to read highway signs telling me what I should do along the way. I hate that life is making me cynical. I'm tired of wishing for things I can't have. I'm tired of trying to deal with other peoples problems in addition to my own. I miss having ambition. I'm tired of being told to do something that I already know I have to do. I'm tired of back pain. Sometimes I wonder if I've been conditioned not to cry when something upsets me. I'm tired of not having any time to myself. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired not knowing what I want. I'm tired of feeling unwanted. I'm tired of not having time to read for fun. I'm tired of not having time to draw. I miss acting. I'm tired of people fulfilling stereotypes and confusing me. I'm tired of cold weather. I'm tired of living 2 hours from my best friend. I'm tired of not having a car. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I miss being passionate about what I want to achieve. I miss thinking I'm in love. I miss making movies. I wish I had time to sew. I miss building forts in the woods. I miss laying in the grass and looking at the clouds. I miss climbing trees. I'm tired of being in debt. I'm tired of not getting enough sleep. I'm tired of not having enough time. I'm tired of "if only" conversations. I wish I could sing. I'm tired of finals. I wish I could dance. The men I thought I loved have caused me to become jaded against romance and true love. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm afraid of being ridiculed. I'm terrified of failure. Everything is not okay, but I'm good at pretending.

I’ve hardly met a single soul, but I am not alone.
I feel grown.
This is wanting something, this praying for it,
This is holding breath and keeping fingers crossed.
This is counting blessings, this is wondering when I’ll see that boy again.
I’ve got a feeling he’s just a someone, too.
And the beauty is, when you realize, when you realize,
Someone could be looking for a someone like you.

~The Beauty Is, from The Light in the Piazza