In need of a quiet place to think...

No more chick-flicks for me. They ruin my life. From now on it's action-adventure all the way. War and fighting and blood. I can't deal with this mood. If I had a Rambo movie, I would watch it.

I was doing fine today... Last night obviously not so much. I ended up getting really homesick after talking to Duane. All through the day I was okay. Band was amazing.... I worked really hard and it felt good. I love the piece we're playing! :-)

Then I had dinner with Ted, Jesse, Duane, Jackie and Jenna. Ted had to leave early... And well, Jenna and I had words that set me back into this stupid mood.

I'm not really jealous of anything in the group, per se. I'm just fed up with "life."

I read through my Master List tonight and some of the stuff has already changed. Good greif. What was I thinking? My life is impossible.

What REALLY started this was my stupid Lifespan Human Development Class. We are discussing Erikson's "Intamacy vs. Isolation" theory and how friendships develop and the difference between "friendships" and "romantic relationships."

I don't know what to think. I don't know how much of this is physical exhaustion and how much of this is my brain just being messed up.

I want someone to hold my hand.
To pick my brain and ask me why.
To suprise me.
Hold me.
Tell me things are going to be okay.

Okay, so I am jealous of everyone I see who actually is in a relationship. And I KNOW nothing is perfect, but please don't tell me I'm better off single. I hear that enough.

Evidentially there is someone out there for me, but golly, it doesn't seem like he's at Wartburg... So what do I do now?

I need a fort of pillows and blankets where I can just hide, all snuggly and safe.

I want to walk to the bridge over the river, and sit on a park bench. And cry. But it's midnight and I'm not going alone. And I'm too shy to ask someone to go with me. And as far as I can tell, everyone is busy. Leah's in bed, Rachel D. is doing homework, and is already swamped, Ted has two tests tomorrow, Duane and Jesse both have to get up early. Jill isn't online, Emily is also swamped, Julia doesn't go to school here anymore, Jessica, Mike and Laura are at Drake, Rachel V. is probably in bed, Amanda N. is "away" on AOL, Amanda M. is at Bethel, and Scott is at ISU. (Oh, and don't forget that most guys find a girl crying very awkward anyway.)

Leah commented earlier tonight on my being quiet and I told her I wished I had a boyfriend, which was the best way I could describe what I'm feeling. She just rolled her eyes made a "pish" noise.--Yes, I talk about it a lot because it's a big deal to me. She doesn't have anything to worry about. She already has a steady boyfriend.

It would seem that I need chocolate, but I don't feel like it. Shocking I know, but right now this has progressed farther then chocolate.

We even did hugs today in band and that didn't help.

I was just home and I was in such a hurry to get back to campus, and now I miss it. Thanksgiving is soon... I just have to hold out...

Why am I even crying about this???? It's ridiculous! WHY is this so HARD???


"The fairy stories come harder now,
But she fights to keep them close.
When the world feels big and frightening
They're what she knows the most.

In those dreams of long ago,
She finds a safe retreat.
Remembering battling a dragon,
Helps her cope with life's defeats."

Edward got pushed to the back burner as school began, but he's been brought back to the front. I take this reality and substitute my own. Edward is someone to think about at least, even if he really is only a fictional characer.

I am so pathetic... And I still stand by the fact that you don't get enough hugs at college.