The odd duck

Rachel, Matt and I went and ate at the Olive Garden tonight. It was good! I ordered ravioli, and Matt and Rachel ordered the chicken alfredo. They both looked at me like I was the "odd duck"... I guess I kinda was, but I wanted ravioli gosh-darn-it, and I wasn't about to conform. I've almost always the one who does something "different"... I think it comes from being the oldest of 6... I ALWAYS had someone copying me... ALWAYS! So I often find myself doing things that differ then the majority of the group. i.e. ravioli

Also another thing that bothers me... Being ignorant. Not other people, although that does bother me as well... Me... Being clueless... And everyone around me looking at me like I should have a clue... :-(

*rant rant rant*

I'm from a small town. Like 10,000 I think. Nothing very "culturally diverse"... I'll admit it, I am very very very uneducated when it comes to how one should act in a big city... I've never been to any expensive/fancy restaurants, I don't have connections to get invited to fancy parties, and I don't have clothes for every occasion. I am a small town girl. And you know what? It shows. And it sucks.

The first time I went to a "big city" was when I went to London, and Paris... And that was with a group... I was with people who were similar to me, who were from my culture... I really didn't have to interact with anyone else.

It never occurred to me that there was more then one way to tip your waitress... Like, I knew about writing a check over and saying keep the extra, or charging extra on a credit card for a tip... But I always thought that if you left a cash tip, you left it on the table. Well, Rachel wrote a check over, and Matt and I were paying in cash. The waitress came back and took the money, and Rachel told her to keep the extra and Matt told her how much change he wanted back, and then they looked at me...

[cricket chirp]

The waitress smiled took our money, and left to rang it up. In tandem, Matt and Rachel turn to look at me. I state that I was gonna leave the tip on the table... like usual??? And they were like "uhhhh, no."

Things like this make me feel inadequate... Not good enough. Ignorant.... yeah...

Matt pointed out that by leaving the tip on the table the bus-boy would probably get it, and not the waitress. Well, now that I know this, it makes sense.... But..... Yeah. I felt stupid.

You know what? NOT HAVING ANY MONEY SUCKS!!!! NO LONGER HAVING MY OWN ROOM AT HOME SUCKS!!! SUCKS I TELL YOU!!!! SUCKS!!!!

Matt and Rachel get to do all these cool things... They've gone to touring Broadway shows.... They've been to Chicago... A lot. Matt's experience in Europe really doesn't hold a candle to mine... He worked with a senator in Illinois... They both scored freakishly higher then me on the ACTs. They both come from high schools with good theater departments, and once again, have the money to participate in those sorts of things.

And they have better study habits then I do. They have pointed this out to me. Maybe I never learned proper study habits... They both can churn out papers like play-doh in those spaghetti things... and I sit there... and I check my e-mail.... and I AOL... and do EVERYTHING else but write the paper... And frankly, it's because I don't know what to write! I sit there and in my head I'm like: "uhhhhhh...." GAH! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH FOR COLLEGE??? Why can't I major in something like, Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings??? I know about THOSE things....

And I want to learn a different language. NOT LATIN. NOOO LATIN!!!! LATIN = NO ONE ELSE WHO SPEAKS IT! You can't go to a foriegn country to speak latin. I very much agree with the poem:

Latin is a language,
As dead as can be,
First it killed the Romans,
And now it's killing me!

Maybe I could take summer classes or something for a foreign language...

AND, another constant frustration in my life is that BOTH Matt and Rachel get to keep their rooms at home EXACTLY as they left it. What do I get? A room with my little sister, or the living room couch. What fun. NOT! (And I'm sure Matt and Rachel are tired of me ranting about it, but frankly it still sucks.)

I'm not mad at Rachel or Matt about anything... They've had different experiences then I have... I just wish I could have had them too....

Maybe someday I will be able to eat at the Rainforest Cafe... Maybe someday I will be able to see Wicked, and Spamalot, and Phantom of the Opera... MAYBE SOMEDAY I WILL HAVE A CAR!

They are both the coolest friends I could as for... I love them so much, and I pine for them when they are not with me... I love them to bits! I just get frustrated with myself, and my situation.

I want to feel smart!!! GAH!