Lunch counter mornings and coffee shop nights...

Who am I fooling????

I used to be so genuinely happy.




I'm having problems adjusting to aspects of this new mediocrity of living.

Makin' my way downtown,
Walkin' fast,
Faces pass and I'm homebound.

Starin' blankly ahead,
Just makin' my way,
Makin' a way through the crowd.

And fiction has once again become better than real life.

All I see is,
All I want is tearing from inside...

Mom was right. It hurts. But is was too deep for me to feel until more time had passed... Like a bruise sustained by deep tissue... The mark doesn't show up right away....

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright...

I understand why. I agree why... But it's hard...

"...You need to think of a memory. Not just any memory, a very happy memory, a very powerful memory… Allow it to fill you up…lose yourself in it…" -Remus Lupin, Prisoner of Azkaban.

Thinking back almost 7 months ago.... It hurts.... I. was. so. blissfully. happy....

...I just want to let go and move on. I don't want to be bitter. Or angry. But I worked so hard! It's hard for my nature to just stop and give up on something that I cared and prayed about for so long.

But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine
I mean, I'm happy
And I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine
It's not a problem,
It's just a challenge...

It's not denial. It's just me wanting my way. Because I'm headstrong like that.

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love..

It's hard to get back to thinking someday, someday, someday, this and this and this will happen and it will all work out and be wonderful. I just need to work on letting myself trust in God's will and in God's time.

...Because alone is alone, not alive...
___

"No boy is worth crying over, and the one who is will never make you cry."

To quote Isaac:

"The idea that there is someone important in your life, especially one you care about, who will "never make you cry" is absurd. Relationships are about getting your feelings hurt. It's about people failing your expectations. It's about you finding out when to get tougher skin and when to adapt your expectations."

It's true. And I have stupidly held onto that quote for ages and ages and ages... No more.

"...Sometimes life is about letting go and starting over. And that, as sad as it is, goes with a lot of crying."

I think.... I think I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay to cry.... And that everything will be okay. Eventually...